Have a "Merry Saturnalia!"

Jeez-us! Doesn't this look like so much more fun??

Well, it's not quite Thanksgiving, which means

it's well past time to start talking about Christmas!

And if you listen to Fox News or 'The Occupant,'

you know that there's a "War on Christmas!" (see also

'War on the Wealthy,' 'War on White People,' and 'War

on Men.')

This year, let's just circumvent that whole false narrative

and celebrate the original 'reason for the season,' the

festival of Saturnalia! That blessed Roman Holiday (no,

the movie was not based on it!) with feasting and gift-giving

and general merriment, also centering on a sacrifice!

(See? You're already celebrating Saturnalia as a Christian--

you just didn't know it!!)

Yeah, but then those pushy Christians came along, and as

they often do, decided their beliefs superseded everyone

else's. Surely you remember that from the Bible?

        Fullofshiticus  3: 2-4: "For whosoever believeth in Him

should worry not about living in accordance with His principles,

but instead, make an annoying ass of themselves and generally

be a party pooper. Authoritarianism wins a lot of friends!"

So, technically there isn't a War on Christmas since it 

wasn't the original injured party! In fact, if you're the one

doing the white-washing and appropriating, do you get to

be the 'injured party?' Something about that Bible and the 

sense of entitlement its pseudo-believers manifest!

Anyway, after the Christians took over Rome and started

eliminating all the good cultural aspects like they're wont to

do, they changed the festival to worship their fake deity

instead of the fake deity it used to honor. They even moved

little baby Jesus' fictional birthday from 2 months later so

as to make the transformation seem legit!

(Cuz--SPOILER ALERT!-those Bible folks have been

knowing their way around some edits and rewrites for a

hot minute, y'all!)

Jesus was all about the anal-retentive control mechanisms

exhibited by the modern evangelical movement, home of 

'homosexuals leveled my trailer with high winds' and 'cain't

we just elect our sex perverts in peace?'

And now that Christianity is a dying religion, along with all

the trappings of the church (misogyny, racism, homophobia,

male privilege, absolutism, hell-fire, etc.) there's a reformation

movement afoot to reduce the stranglehold religion has on 

public events and customs. So of course the thieves of the real

'Christmas' are feeling threatened, given that their deity is only

omnipotent and omniscient (allegedly!) and surely needs their 

fervent, frothing-at-the-mouth assistance to aid him in keeping

his ill-gotten gains.

(See, the pyramid scheme only works if you continue bringing in 

new investors.)

Hence the manufactured 'war on Xmas' designed to paint Xians

(once again) as poor, suffering, victims of outsiders' hostilities--

based solely on said outsiders' jealousy over their connection to

Jesus--and simultaneous 'lack of understanding' as to how it all

works!

But the 'War' is as fictional as the super-powered zombified white

dude that Christmas' defenders purportedly worship.

These fascists want to get indignant over the natural progression

towards a pop-culturized, generic, non-religious celebration!

As if they are owed something beyond redemption and eternal

salvation! (allegedly!)

And it's a pretty shitty thing to want to fight for, anyway! I mean,

come on! Only right-wing nutters would want to steal a happy 

day of festive celebration from children who look forward to it

all year long, and make it about a mind-controlling cult that uses

terror on young children to indoctrinate them into worshipping

an invisible policeman! "But he loves you SOOOO much!" Yeesh.

Frankly, Jesus kind of sounds like a dick in these guys' take.

So, don't be fooled by the blustery level of insanity employed

by your inappropriately-political coworkers or your pushy,

neurotic aunts and uncles. Don't let your sociopathically-obsessed-

with-homosexuals neighbor get it twisted for you. (Besides-- 

everybody knows that the more verbally aggressive and crazed 

someone is, the less viable and credible their argument!)

The only war going on this holiday season is the war being waged by

hyper-politicized so-called Christians (CINOs) trying to tear happiness 

and calm out of your child's cold, dead hands!

Don't let them keep putting the 'Christ' in Saturnalia! It's time to 

take a stand against these dirty, thieving heretics! 

When they say "Merry Christmas," we say "Keep Saturnalia 'Christ'-free!"

(Or if you really want to fuck with them , just whisper "Hail Satan!" and smile.

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