"The Lady or The Tiger?"
(Or, in my case, "The Man or The Tiger?"
This is the constant question I ask. I know I have a ton of self-work to
do before I am fit for human connection, but the desire is still there. Do
I take a chance and see what's behind the door, or leave well enough alone?
I certainly don't want to settle down for the sake of settling down; hell, I
don't know that I want to settle down/become shackled at all. But if I don't
even date and explore my options, how will I know? But if I date while I'm
a mess, how will I possibly attract anyone worthwhile?
If I continue holding out for the day that I am 'better off,' how long is that
exactly? (I'm not saying I don't foresee a time when I have made sufficient
improvements, but we are all works in progress, ever-changing. That's life.
So when's the right time?) I could keep postponing forever.
At the same time, it's hard for me to imagine what sort of man I would be
compatible with. I don't envision ever being traditional or conventional, and I
certainly don't have the occasion to see many artistic, fearless, political sorts
here in dreary rural Georgia. And yet, I see pairings all the time that boggle my
mind. (It's horrifying to think "How can she/he have a man, and I can't get one?"
but it's also oddly comforting to think that whatever passes for love/companionship
on this mud ball can find everyone.)
All relationships call for some level of sacrifice and give-and-take, but my
autonomy and identity is very important to me. If there's someone out there
who loves me because of/in spite of my idiosyncrasies, and who's 'out there'
enough for me to be drawn to, wouldn't it just be a big drama?
I have things I want to do; I think that the only way to have a relationship where
I ever got to spend quality time with my signif other would be if he were a creative
person and we were involved in projects together. Then I think maybe we should
be polar opposites so that we have good compatible energy when together, but
have nothing to do with one another most of the time. I am not a clone/Bobsy Twin,
nor do i want someone who becomes my attached-at-the-hip constant.
(I have alternately had very intense attractions to blue collar sorts, such as mechanics,
truck drivers, and maintenance men who drink and are sports nuts; I figure their 'left
brain' influence and my 'right brain' influence would balance out nicely. I also have
dry-fantasies about very pent-up and buttoned-down sorts like accountants,
Republicans, and the like who are emotionally very different. But of course when
it comes down to it, you never choose who you are going to be attracted to. It's
bio-chemical. It's primal. It's guttural. It just happens.)
And, of course, I am always drawn to the Wrong Things. Between being a homo,
being an addict, and being an artist, I am ALL ABOUT THE DRAMA! ("Working
on it!") I am improving on my choices and surroundings, but there is nothing that
can pull the emotional strings like:
* A 'bad boy'
* A disinterested soul
* An abusive type
* The unattainable
* The closeted
* The disturbed
I don't like it, and I'm working to change it. But the fact is, bad boys tell you up
front what they're all about. With a good boy, you're always waiting for the shoe
to drop and the skeletons to come creeping out.
It's easy to find someone you're physically attracted to; it's a whole other story
to find compatibility. (We men especially have no trouble finding 'any port in a
storm' when simply looking for a physical release.)
I wonder about the feasibility of having 2 or 3 really good platonic male friends,
and then just having anonymous sex on the side to meet that need. But that seems
disjointed, too, and a complete puss-out on the whole romance angle (even tho
practical as hell!)
One of these days, I'm gonna have to decide on a door and just go for it. Then
I'll probably get caught up in whether I open, knock, or bust down the barrier.
The cerebral aspect is one thing; the action and reality is another matter all together.
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