UNITED STATES DIVORCES SELF: STORY AT 11

Let's just be smart and get it over with, already. Seems it's all over but the shouting anyway.

There is such a deep, unavoidable, unsolvable schism in this country, and that division is continuously growing worse. As the citizens continue to separate themselves into distant camps, there can evidently be no middle ground reached.

So let us all get wise and do what we Americans do best.
(No, not blow shit up and laugh about it. We tried that method a century-and-a-half ago.)
Let's get divorced and split shit up!

We all agree that the problems are not going to be sorted out through an amicable decision-making system. We all know there can be no tolerable compromises reached. So let's quit spinning wheels and work the obvious angle; break off in teams, handle our own stuff, and live or die based on the results.

It can't just be a Democrat/Republican split. There's division amidst groups within the parties. Not all Republicans are conservative (astonishing as that may seem,) and not all liberals are liberal queers.

So if we start getting specific and particular, I imagine we could hold the number of divisions down to about 60..maybe 75 tops. There'd be some concessions, sure. But you have to make room for all the variables;
"Gay Liberals Over 40" (cuz the young gays don't want anything to do with them).... "Conservatives Who Don't Want Children"...... "Spiritual But Not Religious" ......"Religious But Not Spiritual"...... "People Against Welfare"...... "Fiscal Conservatives But Social Moderates" ......"Fans of Twilight"...... "Closet Cases And The Religions That Create & Support Them" ......"Old White Men Who Want To Time Travel Back To 1876"..... and many more. Hmmm. Perhaps we will need more division?

There are the "Conservative Blacks With Money" (oh wait--they can stay in the house behind the "Conservative Whites"--no separate group needed; just separation accepted!)

You'd have "Gun-Free Communities," and communities with barb-wire and bull-dogs posted where people were "Continuously Toting Guns. "

There could be communes for "Anything Goes," where drug use and free sex were allowed without condemnation, and there would be areas of strict control where everything was regulated; "Home Association's Wet Dream."

If you live in a town of people who "Don't Get Up Before Noon And Only Work Half-Days," you just have to deal with the fact that the roads may not be paved and the grocery store may not be stocked.

Folks living in "Old West Country" could blow each others brains out and have their little survival-of-the-fittest pissing contest until there was no one left alive. Clean out that gene pool. People in the "Celibacy and Self Pleasure Group" would be hurting for new members.

Maybe we should just let each state divvy up their populace the way they want. But you better be able to predict what's going to happen; they may decide not to let anyone come or go once the resolutions are in place. You could potentially miss out on a grand placement, or be denied exit from a newly-devised hell-hole.

I'm big on recycling, so no abandoned stuff need go unused, Churches can be made into homeless shelters so they can finally serve the community. Libraries would help the Right Wing stay warm in the winter, with endless kindling. The orphanages could even keep their tenants; Bill O'Reilly needs his nourishment.

But with the state division, you could have all 50 states each individually run, and then each state would determine how many divisions in said state were required, what they should be, and who gets what town/city/county.

But if we do it by national division, it'll be more comprehensive, and some splits are gimmes:
No Liberals want Texas.
No Conservatives want California.
Hey--this isn't so hard, after all!

If we divide shit up and you decide to stay put, don't call out for help when your neighborhood is run by the "Glenn Beck Appreciation Society" and the Blacks are being chained and the Gays are being put in concentration camps. You'll be on your own.

We'll start the process the easy way; divvying up cities and states that both sides agree on, The next step is the trade-off step, wherein each side makes a list of wants and organizes them in sequential order of desirability. Then we can haggle and trade like a football team. The end step is hardest; fighting over who gets the ugly kid that no side wants. (Poor Alabama; looks like they'll be drawing straws for your ass' parental rights.)

So, you gotta figure that Dick Cheney, George Bush, Rush Limbaugh and all the Faux News cronies are going to invest heavily in the major hotel chains, railway travel, car rental, and moving services before the split takes place. Never let it be said that they missed an opportunity to profit off of America being sliced up and sold like a cheap pie.

Let's focus on the easy stuff. The stuff nobody wants.
Who's going to take the prisoners, the sick, the homeless, and other discards of this prosperous nation of wealth and privilege? What difference does it make?
*Nothing's done for the homeless now, so that's moot. It's not like they have to move locations, anyway.
*The prisons are highly profitable, so the Conservatives will want them, and it'll make a good dumping ground for any dissenters or flip-floppers that pop us in their new Utopia.
*The sick might be a problem.
-Do you give them a choice of siding with either the Conservatives, who don't care if they live or die, or the Liberals, who want to care for everybody? They'll all obviously side with the Liberals and storm the gates.
-Do you have the Conservatives take their sick, and the Liberals take theirs? I foresee a lot of

-Do you equally and unceremoniously split up the sick at random, eliminating favoritism and pissing off the sick? (This idea seems best; the sick are accustomed to not getting any say in the matter of their own care and treatment.)

What about young people who are on the cusp? Their parents get to decide for them what group they belong to, but what happens when they run away because they know they are a "Radical Environmentalist Vegan" living in a home of "Cattle Baron Carnivores?" Who decides jurisdiction? Who provides enforcement?

What about kids of parents who are divorced and in soon-to-be separate colonies? Do they even get visitation rights granted? What if one zone allows travel and interaction with outside forces, but the other doesn't?


Who would control the airwaves? "Conservative Not-Really-Christians" hate everything that doesn't reflect their own idealized facade of Perfection; they would want their own t.v. station broadcasting their own tripe...and no other broadcast in their space. They could of course fulfill their goal of having a monitor on every person's TV set so that any unauthorized viewing would be severely penalized. They would also, of course, want to make sure that their broadcast DID reach people who were not interested in seeing it. Funny, that.

(Of course, there would need to be about 3,700 divisions/ghettos within the Not-Really-Christians Order; one for every division that disagrees with the interpretation of The Good Book that the previous one espouses. Too bad most of them missed the gist of the whole tome.)

With this new system, the kinks could be worked out within a few hundred years. Might be a little rough at first, but we could get it rolling. Generations to come could be sitting on their porches, saying to themselves how nice it is to live in a community where everyone thinks the same way.
Where there is no dissension.
Where everyone agrees unanimously on all things at all times.
Where no one has the annoying habit of coming up with new ideas.
Where no one is stuck thinking for themselves.


Aahhhhh, Paradise. We could make it if we tried.

Now, Division of Property! Who's gonna get National Embarrassment, Pat Robertson?