Ex-Gay Ministries part 3

My personal belief is that we are who we are.

Sexuality may be brought about by a myriad of
different factors and input. It simply is, for me.
Yes, I questioned whether childhood events or
parental style or emotions released during the
birthing process were 'responsible' for my sexuality.

I determined there are a lot of reasons why someone
may be homosexual, and my experience and thoughts don't
determine someone else's.

I feel most if not all people are born to be whatever
sexuality they are. Again, there are all points of
in-between, but since we are predisposed to think in
terms of black-and-white and pigeon-hole ourselves
(which may in fact be the biggest problem this society
faces on the matter,) I will stick to speaking of someone
being self-identified as 'gay' or 'not-gay.'

So most are born feeling one way or another. Others
may turn to a different nature as a result of circumstance,
difficulty, curiosity, love of a specific person, or whatever
other possibilities that exist. I choose to see it that people
just are.

It may even change in time. I like the idea of a world where
people don't feel the need to fear for their lives or careers
or standing when determining whether to pursue another
person romantically. Is there really such a thing as too much
love in the world?

Most people determine how they act not on any inherent sense
of immorality or right/wrong, but on how other people will
react to it. We try and cram uniformity and adherence into our
fragile human bodies and minds at an early age.

I was at an pre-Easter event a few weeks ago and sat at a table
that had several young people and their families. True story.
One rather obviously feminine little boy, around 5 or 6 years old,
had selected a gift from the large table of possible items. His
choice was a bright pink bunny. There was palpable tension at the
table as he returned. He danced and had such a good time with his
bunny, oblivious to the maelstrom I could see coming.

The sputtering and frightened adults all chimed in with coercion
as to what would have made a better gift, and how he should
go trade off, etc. etc. They were visibly shaken, looking around
to see who might have been watching. The boy, crestfallen, went
back up to the gift table, and after careful consideration plucked
up a lavender lamb and pranced back to the table delighted.

The shock and horror were still present. I leaned forward and said
I thought he's made a great choice, and that I loved purple; it was
the color of royalty and magic. The entire family jumped up and
moved to another table.

So afraid of embracing identity, we cause endless damage and trauma
trying to alter who we are. Wouldn't it take less energy and effort
to just accept reality? Heck, even if it took the same amount of effort,
wouldn't it be worth it? Isn't being true to oneself the healthiest,
happiest chance we have?

I think so. I think truth and reality and living the life you have
are what being close to God is all about. I think sexuality is an
intensely personal matter that religion, government, and schools
have no business having an opinion on. I think our society demands
a level of conformity and compliance that has far exceeded the whole
"goods of the individual versus the needs of the whole" argument.
But that's me.

If someone has more fear of what others think than they do a
desire to live how they would want to if no one was looking, that
isn't my place to judge. Some people need to belong, even if it's
based on a lie. Different people have different needs. I can't judge
someone's needs, motives, or courage. Sex, life, God, purpose...
it's all a very complicated and individual matter. I want for people
to be happy, and I can admit my own humility enough to say it
isn't for me to decide what's right or wrong for someone else.

I don't think a belief in God is dependent on an aversion to
homosexuality...and vice-versa. I believe there's more than one
path to God, and there are hundreds of different religions and
versions of God out there. I don't believe spirituality and God
and religion are all necessarily part of the same equation.

http://www.truthwinsout.org/

I fear that most Christianity teaches people to self-hate and
deny the good of self along with the bad, and that most things
are not intrinsically good or bad. They're just aspects of humanity.
Being human is what we are; being better people isn't based on
our attractions. It's based on how we live our lives; being kind
to others, making the world a better place, etc.

I question why all the emphasis on trying to undo people
from being the way they are.


....to be continued.......

Ex-Gay Ministries part 2

So, my adventures in trying to 'undo' what had been
surreptitiously done to me by a multitude of risk factors
and issues and turmoils was underway.

I was so wrapped up in attaining this sense of 'healthiness'
as it was expressed to me that I became obsessed. My
desire to be accepted and a part of the larger society was
something my raging-hormone affected teen-aged brain
could get wrapped up in, and it did.

I turned away from my thoughts, my feelings, my friends,
and held to this ideal of how I was 'supposed' to be. I
prayed for release from the bondage of my now sinful
thoughts. I read on how so many different things had led to
my desires and they were not natural. I surrounded myself
with people who were also Christ-centered and allowed no
other influence into my life.

But I didn't change.

I liked the attention and the conditional acceptance and the
not worrying about what to say and do. I liked the idea of
being part of something so big and 'important' with the group
and the fellowship. I especially liked thinking that I was doing
right and being the person I was supposed to be, according to
everyone else's version of God.

But all I felt at the end of the day was scared, alone, guilty,
ashamed, unloved, unaccepted, duplicitous, phony, and
angry. I had a burning discomfort in my soul and stomach
every time I pretended to not think and feel the way I really
did. The idea of ignoring attraction and condemning beauty...
the notion that the loving care I had for someone was a horrible
thing was tearing me up.

I gave it my all. I really, really did. I know those that disagree
with my conclusion that the ministries don't work will feel I
didn't try hard enough, didn't truly want to change, didn't give
it long enough, or some other rationale.

I don't feel the need to promote the amount of tears, debate,
and anguish I suffered through in order to try and change.
As they say; no one would choose to live as a member of
such a maligned minority...and they're right. But I chose truth.

The truth is I don't believe change is possible. I also don't think
it's necessary or desirable, but I'll get back to that.

I do believe that there are people out there who so desperately
want to be someone besides who they are, that they can work
hard enough at it that they can live 'successfully' as people who
suppress their thoughts and feelings and live another life. I don't
think it's spiritually, emotionally, mentally, or physically healthy,
but if you want anything badly enough and are willing to face the
consequences, then so be it. We all have a right to choose.

We can convince ourselves of whatever we need to to survive.

My fear is that people make decisions out of fear and shame,
rather than what they truly want. However, in our culture, being
able to differentiate between what society dictates and what we
want can be a perilous and difficult prospect.

The mind is a powerful tool, and we can determine many things
for ourselves with enough will-power. Others may believe enough
in God or have a relationship with God that sufficiently allows for
devotion to be enough to make the difference. I fear these are the
time-bombs, though, who after many years of happy smiling and
pretending finally snap and hurt themselves and/or others. It's the
slow death of spirit that hurts me when I think of these suffering
people.

http://www.exgay.com/
Most evidence points to true 'transformation' of feelings to be
and invalid claim. That the people who claim such things later
recant and admit they were caught up in the desire to please others
by saying what was expected of them. That the idea of being loved
and accepted was enough to substitute for real sexual passion. That
they were lying to fit in.

I don't believe God "relieves" us of same-sex attractions because I
feel they are our God-given sex-powers to start with, and God doesn't
make junk.

I should point out too that there is a fluid continuum of sexual
interest in humans. It's most widely known depiction is the Kinsey
Scale, detailing the sexual desires of people as falling somewhere
on a scale between the extremes of absolute heterosexuality on one
side and absolute homosexuality on the other. Most people fall
somewhere in the middle, regardless of what they would openly
admit to anyone.

So, I don't discount the possibility of others finding it possible to
either start off attracted to members of the opposite sex, nor to
becoming attuned to such an attraction. I can only speak to my
experience, which is 99.9% homosexual attraction.

And it isn't exclusively sexual in nature. The love of my life is
someone I never touched. The love and devotion for him may
have a sexual component to it, but the romantic aspect is deep
on so many other levels. Sex is not about simply needed to
culminate a sexual desire.

Something else that doesn't get discussed a lot; adaptability.
Men are notorious for being able to find attraction in anyone,
anywhere, as means of meeting physical release. Immediate or
deeper attraction isn't really an issue. And women have proven
equally adaptable in terms of being able to develop attractions to
allow for other needs being provided. Having sexual attraction
up front is not always necessary for making a go of things.

...to be continued.....