Selfishness

Sometimes, we feel we know something so well, we
actually forget to take it into account! Familiarity
breeds oversight.

I am a selfish bastard. Not that most of us could
not utter this true-ism equally, but that is not the
focus. My focus--as a sick and selfish person--
has to be (ironically enough,) me. I can't worry about
the world when the problem I can change lies in me.

Selfishness in-and-of-itself is not a bad thing. In
fact, we would not be alive if not for selfishness;
survival instincts, competitiveness, self-interest
are all healthy skills that we either possess or
develop or manufacture in this lifetime. Or pay
the price.

But anything to the extreme is harmful, and
this is no exception.

I have avoided thinking of myself as selfish
because I was miserable and depressed; "How
could I be selfish if I have nothing to show for it?"
was my crazy lament.

But being obsessed to the point of distraction with
my own problems (both real and imagined,)
dramas, feelings, hurts, etc. is not less selfish
just because I am focused on negativity! I am
focused on--and bringing about--despair at the
expense of anyone else's feelings. I have been
oblivious to the reality that everyone has their own
fair share of difficulties. The world doesn't slow down
for them; why would it do so for me?

I could postulate that other people's illusions of health
and facades of happiness are so strong and convincing,
that there was no way for me to understand that they
were in pain, too.

I could whine on about how all my hardships
have jaded me, made me insensitive.

I could do a lot of things to deflect responsibility
and accountability. But for once, I won't.

I freely admit to the world that I have been
an insensitive, selfish asshole...and there is no
excuse for it.

(That being said, I will not continue to flog
myself endlessly for it. It is an admission of
guilt; not an acceptance of a badge of shame.
I want to understand this so I can move on
past it. As much as is humanly possible, I do
not want to ever again be responsible for
harming another person.)

Here's what I do understand about some
of the more questionable aspects of my
character;

* I want what I want when I want it; then,
when I get it, I want to play games.

* Once I know someone has a vulnerability or
a weak spot, I seek to exploit it. Usually when
it is most effective.

* Instead of being real when I am scared and
in need, I lash out and posture, hurting the one(s)
who have actually endured getting close to me.

* I can play compassionate, but when the
opportunity comes to get 'revenge' for hurts I
have been caused, I take it.

* I just have to have everybody know how
insightful I am, how 'smart' I am, how bold I am;
never mind tact, kindness, or diplomacy.

* Feeling close to someone is the scariest thing
in the world for me. Starting to truly trust a person
sends me into Loony Tunes territory. Anger, jealousy,
distrust, bitterness and more stem from fear.

* When I have a problem in one area bothering me,
I tend to let it affect my emotions in other unrelated
areas. (Always in a bad way, naturally.)

* I build up and store my hurt, instead of coping all
along. This way, the fight that eventually breaks out
will be off the charts, instead of a small, healthy release.

* I can't solve my own problems, but all of yours
would go away in a heartbeat if you would just
follow my advice. You might as well take it; I'm not
using it!

* I'm so wrapped up in me, me, me and what I need/
am not getting/want/can't have....that I forget there
are other people in the world. I certainly forget that
they have needs and feelings, too.

*********************************************

The thing is, all of these things can be changed.
I am hopeful that this week's clarity will serve to
stick and motivate me to maintain a new attitude.
I am hopeful. I truly do not want to be the cause of
pain for another person in my life. If I can't help,
at least let me refrain from making things worse.

My view of how things 'should' be and what 'needs'
to happen is not necessarily right. There's room for
everyone's ideas at the table. I know this in my head,
but when ego takes over in the specifics of circumstances,
I lose track.

I am not the only one frustrated by finances, relationships,
job, love matters, self-worth, purpose, friends, emotions,
health, anniversaries, or other matters of head and heart.
I am not the center of THE Universe just because I am
the center of MY Universe.

I only hope that the impetus for my eye-opening isn't
too great a cost. I cannot undo my actions, but I pray that
some day I may make amends. Choosing to live differently
may be my only option. That starts today.